I Won't Be Here Tomorrow - Everyday.

Are words that were uttered to me, one night within this last week, just as I was drifting into a peaceful sleep. So, since then, and one day at a time, I have now decided to increase my meaningful activities. Hence, my visit today to The National Gallery in Trafalgar Square. I viewed the exhibition of 'Radical Light' - Italy's Divisionist Painters 1891-1910. I was not disappointed.

I have zero talent as a painter. If required to draw a straight line, I will, without fail, produce something curved. And vice versa. But, I find that this does not seem to stop me from enjoying art.

Today I also had a telephone conversation, with my nine year son. He is a prolific artist. His talent has been assisted and developed in the main by his Rudolf Steiner education. Although understandably, at this moment in time, his focus seems to mainly be aimed at ships and aircrafts.

The Sound of Silence.

My last few colleagues have departed for home, and I am comfortably seated here at my desk. The office silence is broken, only by the sound of me typing on my computer keyboard.

My relationship with silence has changed and developed over the course of my lifetime. During childhood, I was much like any other child. Crying, laughing, talking, singing, shouting and playing. Then I started to play the guitar and experimented with percussions, before learning to play the drums and playing in bands. My world was mainly filled with sound. My experience with silence was surprisingly limited.

I am however now a voice hearer. This has changed my relationship with silence. These days I usually hear voices just prior to falling asleep. But if I fall asleep listening to my station docked ipod, even though it is only on a very low volume, I don't usually hear the voices.

When I first became a voice hearer fifteen years ago, initially, hearing voices startled me. I felt uncomfortable hearing voices and would try to drown them out with loud music or television. I would be afraid to be left on my own, and would listen to my 'Walkmans' wherever I went. But slowly over a period of time, I have grow so used to hearing voices that they have become companions, and I would miss them, if I did not hear them. Besides, it doesn't seem to matter what dose of medication I take, the voices are not silenced.

I first gradually came to feel comfortable with the voices, and learnt to appreciate the beauty of silence, during my attendence at Quaker meetings.

I Can Resist Every Except Temptation.

And I have indeed been so tempted, by Matthew Bourne's latest dance theatre of Oscar Wilde's Dorian Gray at Sadler's Wells, that I have purchased a ticket, for the 11.30pm, Thursday 11th September 2008, special late night performance, in aid of the Terrence Higgins Trust (T.H.T). I can hardly wait.

When the student is ready the teacher will appear

is a quote that comes to mind, as I read 'The Celestine Prophecy' An adventure by James Redfield. I am currently on page 116 and find it to be an irresistable page turner. Yet, I took my time before committing to read the first page. Funny that.

A Psychiatrist's Chair with Dr Kitty.

At 10am, this morning, I was seated in a room with my psychiatrist, and my social worker, who is also my Care Coordinator. This appointment had been arranged a few months ago, during my last CPA (Care Programme Approach), when my daily nightly dose of Stelazine ('Stella' for short), anti-psychotic medication was reduced from 6mgs to 4mgs.

Today, after initially enquiring how I was getting on generally, my psychiatrist specifically asked me how my reduction in medication had affected me since my last appointment with her. She then discussed with me, amongst other things, the results of the blood tests that she had also asked me to take, when we last met, after I had mentioned a variety of side effects that I had attributed to 'Stella'. The results of my blood tests are normal.

During today's client centred discussion. I was given the choice about if, and how I would like my medication to be decreased. I was also given a choice about whether I would prefer to be changed to a Standard CPA or remain on the Enhanced CPA for a bit longer. Last but not least, I have been given the time to ponder my choices, before I make a decision. Naturally, me being me, I could not wait for another decrease in my medication. So, from tonight, I will start taking 2mgs of 'Stella'. It seemed like such a far cry from the start of my fifteen year personal journey within the psychiatric system.

RADAR the disability network

has recently come to my attention as, in November 2008, they are going to be facilitating 'Leadership Development Days' to equip and inspire leaders. Uncertain though I am, as to whether I am really the type of person they have in mind, I have, with assistance, completed the five questions required and forwarded them. The location for the 'developement day' that I have chosen is Glasgow. I have never been there before. However, years ago, I was a drummer in a Women's band, and stayed in Edinburgh for a week. This was for the Edinburgh Festival. We lodged in Scotland St, and gigged each night near the castle. I loved it!

My Fifteen years of Marriage to 'Stella'

has been volatile and tempestuous. We are both to blame for this, although I take full responsibility for being the one who rejects 'her' each and every time. And yet still, after all this time together, I confess that I can only feel comfortable with 'her' in small doses. When I first encountered her in 1993, 'she' was a kind of 'blind date' whom I felt completely overwhelmed by in large doses. From the word go, it was a love hate relationship. 'She loved me, but I hated 'her'. I have tried and failed to divorce her many times, as I can't live with 'her' and yet I can't seem to live without 'her'.